Greetings… We have come to liberate you

Posted in Announcements on August 15, 2008 by Jimmy Lee Shreeve

“We came, we saw, we played conkers…”

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Who Are The AKF?

Robert CourtneyJimmy Lee ShreeveSuna Moya

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Posted in Announcements on October 19, 2009 by robertcourtney

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Dead Pop Stars in the House of Doom.

Posted in AKF News with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2009 by robertcourtney

AKF svengali and internationally renowned disco transvestite, Simone “Alta Vita” Covelli (pictured),

Simone Covelli

(once described by Malcolm Mclaren as a “total shit”), today announced his plans for the return of The AKF to live performance, at the as yet incomplete “Hotel of Doom“. “It is a great opportunity”, he said today, “to extend the hand of friendship across the World and into the pockets of all we pass”. Speaking at the Ryugyong (Phantom) Hotel (pictured),

Hotel of Doom

a three-sided pyramid with walls that jag upwards at 75 degrees, capped by a series of concentric rings, he described it as; “simply perfect, I cannot conceive of a more fitting venue for the return of Planet Earth’s Greatest Band!”. The urgency of the construction work stems from the fast-approaching date of 15 April, 2012 – the 12,012th anniversary of the birth of The AKF’s Founder (pictured),

AKF Founder

the “Eternal Chimp”, and father of current AKF member The Colonel, who led the AKF Nation from its founding in 1381, until his death in 1987. “It’s going to be great!” said a chipper Simone Covelli, (after booking a 365 night run starting at midnight on 31 December 2011), whilst smoking a cigarette and sipping a Ginger Sling in the Freedom Bar, “Better than Live Aid, forget all that horse shit, this is “Resurrection Aid”, all the band will be there, Jim, Jerry Lee, Jimi, Brian, Janis (if she’s not pissed), Ian, Di, the pyrotechnics will be amazing, it can’t be missed, Armageddon Resurrection, The Positive Apocalypse!” Asked if the AKF were busily rehearsing for the upcoming event, he replied, “God no, look what happened to Michael, they’ll just make it up on the night!”
Tickets to the event, expected to sell out in minutes can only be purchased with gold, due to the “Death of the Dollar“, a spokesperson for the venue said today, so don’t delay.

Summer (of Love’s) Almost Gone

Posted in AKF News, Motoring, Music on September 3, 2009 by robertcourtney

Summer (of Love’s) Almost Gone

Dune Buggy

Summer’s gone, and The Summer of Love is but a distant memory of a past life, this got The AKF wondering, what happened to that archetypal image of fun in the sun, The Beach Buggy?

Hi-jacked by degenerates and reprobates like Charlie and the gang, that was it’s downfall…….

”On August 16, the sheriff’s office raided Spahn Ranch and arrested Manson and twenty-five others, “suspects in a major auto theft ring” that had been stealing Volkswagens and converting them into dune buggies. Weapons were seized; but because the warrant had been mis-dated, the group was released a few days later. Raiding the Myers and Barker ranches, authorities had found stolen dune buggies and other vehicles and had arrested two dozen persons, including Manson. Manson was found hiding beneath a bathroom sink….”

Dune Buggy

Beach Buggy History

Beach Buggy Bikini Girls

Beach Buggy Boy

Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, hangin’ around,
Hangin’ around, at the edge of your town,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, out in the sun,
Drivin’ around, just lookin’ for fun,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

We like doin’ it a funky,
We like doin’ it right, we
Like balalaika music,
From the house of red light,
Parked up on the sidewalk,
By the lingerie store,
Loadin’ up with ammo,
For the Friday night war,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, hangin’ around,
Hangin’ around, at the edge of your town,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, number one,
Drivin’ around, just me and my gun,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

Hey boy don’t you be a’,
Goin’ up there,
All the freaks come out,
For the national state fair,
Trucks full of beer,
Trucks full of buns,
All a drivin’ around,
Just shootin’ their guns,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, hangin’ around,
hangin’ around, at the edge of your town,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, out in the sun,
Drivin’ around, just lookin’ for fun,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

We like psychedelic surfing,
We like warm leatherette, we,
Get our medication from,
A Vietnamese vet ,
He snorts like a bull,
Snarls like a dog, in,
His Lincoln Continental,
High on the hog,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy Boy.

Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, hangin’ around,
Hangin’ around, at the edge of your town,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy, number one,
Drivin’ around, just me and my gun,
Beach Buggy, Beach Buggy,
Beach Buggy, Boy.

Music & Lyrics © CRC (AKF International)


Let’s All Eat Cake!

Posted in AKF News on July 14, 2009 by robertcourtney

Bastille Day? Mais non, c’est La Fete Nationale!

The Revolution is over, “Say hello to the Dark Night of the Soul“.

The AKF are sitting down to a nice pot of Yorkshire tea and a slice of Battenberg Cake (the food of The Antichrist) before it’s banned by the British Food Standards Agency (on December 31st 2009).


Does any of this sound familiar?

“Why was there a revolution?

  • France had the largest population in Europe and not enough food to feed it.
  • The wealthy middle-class, merchants and businessmen (or bourgeoisie) had no political voice or power.
  • The poor lived in appalling conditions.
  • Despite the opulence of the court, the country was nearing bankruptcy.

By the late 1780’s the people of France had had enough and when King Louis XVI and his queen, Marie Antoinette (of “Let them eat cake” fame), tried to quiet the unrest the people rebelled.

On July 14, 1789 the disenchanted masses stormed the Bastille prison. The prison represented the autocratic power of the king but in fact it was little used as a prison at that time and only seven prisoners were liberated: four forgers, two madmen and a debauched sadist!”

The “Revolution Will Not Be Televised“, because it will not happen, drowned out by the massed sound of marching feet, marching to an “out of town” Shopping Center (not near you), when the petrol runs out!


Say NO to Art!

Posted in AKF News with tags , , , , , , on July 7, 2009 by robertcourtney

Art – A Symptom of the Times?

Say NO to Art!

AKF say NO to ART

In a statement today,  The AKF’s founder said that; “Nothing from the last 100 years will exist 2000 years from now, apart from radiation, a bleeping noise, Nature Spirits, Dr Who and the bloke from Torchwood”.

“The human folly of “Art”, along with “Politics” and “Religion” will be as a speck of dust in the Cosmos”.

Referring to London’s latest media craze; “The Plinth”, (having been denied “The King of Pop’s” freak-cash-in-show), Our Great Leader described it as “Art, as a symptom of the Times, heavily censored real life dysfunctionality, on a lump of stone”. Whilst admitting that he had in fact helped “artist” Antony Gormley make “The Angel of the North“, (“as an artist he was “lacking in graphic integrity”, the attempt to make Spitfire wings had unfortunately ended up looking rather like a Messerschmitt ME109 (the other side), but he didn’t seem to notice or care), and that he rather liked “Field“, (but found the spectacle of the Middle Classes cooing over miss-shapen clay figurines, whilst Humanity lay in ruins, rather disturbing).

A spokesperson for “The Great British Public” said that, “The British people are quite capable of getting on a plinth in Trafalgar Square without Art’s Council help, or Health and Safety guidance, but would probably be described as “terrorists” and shot!” Remarking on Antony Gormley’s next planned work, “Market Square”, in which members of the public would be plied with drink (up to the recommended daily limit, of course) at taxpayer’s expense, and encouraged to vomit in a market square near you, he described the whole idea as “insulting to the Memory of Britain” . “We support the campaign to have a Spitfire placed on the fourth plinth, and in every Market Square, something that the whole of the British People can relate to, a real one, with guns, not an arty one!”

One & Other

Is it art? If the right person, says the right things, to the right people, and they get the cash, then it’s “art”, and that’s your “life”, should you choose it.

Don’t take part, don’t give it your precious time on this Beautiful Planet.

The AKF International say; “SAY NO TO ART“….

Vacancy for AKF Minister of Education: “You too can have an opportunity to screw up the next generation.”

Posted in AKF News, Jobs with tags on June 7, 2009 by comradek

The AKF has announced the opening of a prestigious vacancy for the position of Minister of Education, to take effect whenever.


The successful candidate will preside over the University of Automatic Kaos, where credentials are worthless and certificates and degrees make great paper planes. The – not very rigorous – application process includes brief interviews in briefs, a talent show, rubbing your head while patting your stomach, and a swimsuit parade.

Yes, here we don’t pretend intelligence and altruistic ideologies matter. If you want to save the world from nuclear disaster – or Madonna, please see the entry forms for the “Miss AKF” pageant. Or alternatively, send a donation to Malawi.

One potential candidate, after paying a suitable bribe, has thus far been short-listed. She impressed the panel with a suitable lack of knowledge of anything “worthwhile”. Mind you, her cleavage wasn’t too bad either.

The interview panel, were particularly inspired by her subtle understanding of the complex inter-relationship between pharmacology and cultural anthropology, when during the interview, she declared that “identity in short is a sense of well-being achieved by being cocainized by significant others.”

They were further impressed by her suggestion for courses in practical politics: Advanced Suicide Techniques 101 and How to inflate those incentive allowances – and get away with it.

Her astute grasp of the interplay between linguistics and commerce was also patently evident.

When asked about the importance of syntax she replied: “Well I think that it should be imposed on cocaine, not just cigarettes and alcohol – but please god not on sex, we don’t want people to have to disclose how much of it they are not having.”

However, her chances were severely hampered after breaking out into hives during the swimsuit parade. It transpired that she may be allergic to all things fuzzy: peaches, and our great leader.

Don’t wait before it’s too late. Apply now. The Kaos Generation needs you!

Potential candidates are asked to forward their CV. Airbrushed pictures in swimsuits are a pre-requisite (men, if it’s a speedo it’s really a no no – unless you are on the Olympic swim team). All bribes are welcome – actually, rather expected.

Comrade Kalashnikov

AKF International presents – “Britain’s Got Politicians!” New talent show

Posted in AKF News, Politics with tags , on June 1, 2009 by robertcourtney

Surrealist arts foundation AKF International is producing a new talent show called “Britain’s Got Politicians!”, where anyone can try their hand at being a politician.

Are you talentless, ugly and half mad? Yes? Then take it all the way with Britain’s latest and greatest Saturday night  talent show, hosted by “Dodgy” Dave, Hazel “Smears” and “That bloke from the other lot…”

Everyone wants a go. Consumer rights champion, Esther Rantzen, has threatened to stand against Labour MP Margaret Moran if she continues to defend her seat after damning revelations came to light about her expenses claims.

Terry Waite, the Church of England envoy who was held captive in Lebanon between 1987 and 1991, has also got the bit between his teeth, and says he will stand for election as an independent.

Daily Telegraph columnist Simon Heffer delivered an ultimatum to Alan Haselhurst, the deputy speaker of the House of Commons, saying he would run against him unless he apologized, repaid the expenses money, and promised “to behave.”

Then there’s David Van Day, who was one half of the 1980s pop duo Dollar. Van Day was incensed after hearing conservative MP, Nadine Dorries, accuse the press of carrying out “McCarthy-ite witch hunts” and that the pressure over the expenses scandal might cause MPs to commit suicide.

It’s unashamedly show business for the ugly! But who cares! Everyone wants a piece of the pie.

But could you do better than Esther Rantzen and Terry Waite? Or the hapless guy from Dollar? Or the pompous Daily Telegraph columnist? Could you get Britain back on it’s feet? It can’t be that hard.

Download your entry form now and tell us what you’d do to put the nation to rights?

Any policies considered…but, please, no miming.

Just send us a recent picture (non returnable).

Closing date: Sometime next year.

Show the world that Britain’s Got Politicians!

Contact us now!